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The Only Way Is Essex: Smut, Smut And More Smut

Things are getting steamy in Essex with half the cast unable to keep their clothes on! Will Gore on episode five of TOWIE

Ever since TOWIE first hit the small screen, the show has always put the sex in Essex. Yet even by its own smutty standards Sunday night's episode was pretty base. Within minutes we had a naked shower scene involving Joey and Sam followed by Lucy taking the drastic measure of stripping down to her undercrackers just to stop Mario from talking to her.


Soon after that, we were treated to the sight of another cast member in their pants. Sadly, for all concerned, it was Arg. There was also Billie discussing some eye watering, ahem, 'pelvic' exercises and Lauren offering the kind of feminist philosophising that marks her out as the natural successor to Emmeline Pankhurst. "To get over one man, you have to get under another," she stated, gracefully.

With the bar set so low that even a circus dwarf would have been able to high jump it, things remained focused on all things sexual. Or to be more precise, things remained focused on a couple of things sexual. Or to be even more precise, things remained focused on newcomer Abi's breasts.

Best friend of Jasmine, Abi has a surgically enhanced pair of Bristols so large they have developed their own fragile eco-system. I kept expecting David Attenborough to pop up in between her cleavage with a film crew. As they were preparing for a night out clubbing, Jasmine told her mate: "Your boobs are the best thing about you". Unsurprisingly, Abi took this as a compliment. Only in Towie is someone pointing out the shallowness of your existence taken as a bit of positive affirmation.

Abi, you see, is all about surface. To her going on the pull is a chance to "look at what bits you like of people". Luckily, there were plenty of lads in the club on a similar wavelength. In fact, they were queuing up to gawp at her. Abi's cosmetic surgeon hasn't just boosted his client's boobs with silicon, but also with the kind of hypnotic powers that would leave Paul McKenna green with envy.

Arg, thankfully with his trousers on this time, was one of those entranced by Abi's pneumatic breasts. Showing a skill for phrasemaking that might one day see him made Poet Laureate, he charmingly described them as "a pair of machine gun jubblies".

Happy to be in the line of fire, Tom P attempted to chat Abi up. Things seemed to all set up nicely as earlier she had admitted to liking the look of him, but sadly it all went wrong for Tom when he started speaking. The poor lad has less charisma than a toothbrush and Abi was far from impressed.

This might open the door for his buddy Diags who has already been out with Abi once and is clearly keen to rekindle the flame. To be honest though, I'm sceptical either will get lucky. Like a Pizza Hut buffet made flesh, Tom and Diags is clearly a poor selection for Abi to pick from, so I suspect a few more suitors to enter the fray in the coming weeks. Prepare for a long campaign, the Battle of the Boobs has only just begun.

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