I want to be Pippa Middleton. No, I do. Like, REALLY. Because at a time when everyone in the media is attempting to tweet, blog, Pinterest, Tumblr – Christ, some people are even back on Myspace – and Facebook their way to employment, the 29-year-old has been given a column in Waitrose Kitchen magazine. Just like that.
It will cover recipes and casual dining - no matter that her book Celebrate on exactly the same thing was universally panned (“What’s the point of this?” – The Telegraph, “Strikes a dumb note” – The Times, “Exposes the hellish reality of a Middleton do” – The Week). I mean, who cares when the writer’s the most famous bridesmaid of all time?
Here in the real world where 2.5million people in the UK are unemployed and getting a job - any job - is a Hunger Games-style task in which you have to infect your opponents with Norovirus to be appointed (I’m kidding, sort of) wouldn’t being Pippa be marvellous?
You’d get a £400,000 advance for your literary debut. You’d get to dash off to parties in Paris and New York. No one would ever joke about your bum to your face, despite it being incredibly prolific.
But the best thing about being Pippa would be that despite having zero knowledge AND this being evidenced in print, you would still be able to usurp someone who’s acknowledged as a national treasure from your chosen profession. Someone like Pippa's predecessor Delia Smith CBE, for example, who "parted company" with the supermarket chain in January.
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Pippa Middleton Book
File photo dated 25/10/12 of Pippa Middleton who has defended her much-lampooned party planning book from criticism that it states the "glaringly obvious" by saying it had "to cover the basics".
Duchess of Cambridge portrait unveiled
The mother and sister of the Duchess of Cambridge, Carole Middleton (left) and Pippa Middleton, leave the National Portrait Gallery in central London, after viewing the new portrait of her by Paul Emsley.
NETHERLANDS-BRITAIN-ROYALS-ENTERTAINMENT-BOOK
Party planner Pippa Middleton promotes the Dutch edition of her book 'Celebrate: A Year of British Festivities for Families and Friends' in a bookstore in Haarlem. Kate Middleton's younger sister Pippa describes her stardom -- and the attention paid to her behind -- after last year's royal wedding as 'startling', in a book to be released in October. AFP PHOTO / ANP / KIPPA ROBIN VAN LONKHUIJSEN netherlands out - (Photo credit should read ROBIN VAN LONKHUIJSEN/AFP/Getty Images)
NETHERLANDS-BRITAIN-ROYALS-ENTERTAINMENT-BOOK
Party planner Pippa Middleton promotes the Dutch edition of her book 'Celebrate: A Year of British Festivities for Families and Friends' in a bookstore in Haarlem. Kate Middleton's younger sister Pippa describes her stardom -- and the attention paid to her behind -- after last year's royal wedding as 'startling', in a book to be released in October. AFP PHOTO / ANP / KIPPA ROBIN VAN LONKHUIJSEN netherlands out - (Photo credit should read ROBIN VAN LONKHUIJSEN/AFP/Getty Images)
Duchess of Cambridge expecting
Pippa Middleton leaves the King Edward VII hospital in London after visiting her sister, the Duchess of Cambridge, who was admitted to the hospital on Monday with severe morning sickness.
Tennis - 2012 Wimbledon Championships - Day Thirteen - The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club
The Duchess of Cambridge and sister Pippa Middleton (left) attending the the Men's Singles Final during day thirteen of the 2012 Wimbledon Championships at the All England Lawn Tennis Club, Wimbledon.
Tennis - 2012 Wimbledon Championships - Day Thirteen - The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club
The Duchess of Cambridge and Pippa Middleton (left) in the Royal Box during day thirteen of the 2012 Wimbledon Championships at the All England Lawn Tennis Club, Wimbledon.
'Shadow Dancer' Premiere - London
Pippa Middleton arriving for the UK Premiere of Shadow Dancer at Cineworld, Haymarket, London.
The Royal Wedding
Pippa Middleton arrives at Westminster Abbey with the bridesmaids ahead of the wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton.
Lady Katie Percy and Patrick Valentine wedding
Pippa Middleton arrives for the wedding of the duke of Northumberlands daughter Lady Katie to Patrick Valentine at Saint Michaels Parish church in Alnwick
ATP World Tour Finals - Day Eight
LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 12: Pippa Middleton applauds during the men's singles final match between Roger Federer of Switzerland and Novak Djokovic of Serbia during day eight of the ATP World Tour Finals at O2 Arena on November 12, 2012 in London, England. (Photo by Matthew Lewis/Getty Images)
TENNIS-ATP-FINALS
Pippa Middleton (R), sister of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, leaves the court after watching the singles final between Switzerland's Roger Federer and Serbia's Novak Djokovic on the eighth day of the ATP World Tour Finals tennis tournament in London on November 12, 2012. AFP PHOTO / GLYN KIRK (Photo credit should read GLYN KIRK/AFP/Getty Images)
ATP World Tour Finals - Day Eight
LONDON, ENGLAND - NOVEMBER 12: Pippa Middleton attends the men's singles final match between Roger Federer of Switzerland and Novak Djokovic of Serbia during day eight of the ATP World Tour Finals at O2 Arena on November 12, 2012 in London, England. (Photo by Matthew Lewis/Getty Images)
2012 US Open - Day 9
NEW YORK, NY - SEPTEMBER 04: Pippa Middleton and Spencer Vegonsen attend the women's singles quarterfinals match between Samantha Stosur of Australia and Victoria Azarenka of Belarus on Day Nine of the 2012 US Open at USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center on September 4, 2012 in the Flushing neighborhood of the Queens borough of New York City. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)
TEN-US OPEN-STOSUR-AZARENKA
Pippa Middleton(L) and Spencer Vegosen(R) watch Victoria Azarenka of Belarus (1) against Samantha Stosur of Australia (7) during their 2012 US Open women's singles match at the USTA Billie Jean King National Tennis Center in New York on September 4, 2012. AFP PHOTO / TIMOTHY A. CLARY (Photo credit should read TIMOTHY A. CLARY/AFP/GettyImages)
Tennis - 2012 Wimbledon Championships - Day Four - The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club
Pippa Middleton with her brother James as they arrive for day four of the 2012 Wimbledon Championships at the All England Lawn Tennis Club, Wimbledon.
Camilla Hook and Sam Holland wedding
Pippa Middleton at the wedding of Camilla Hook and Sam Holland grandson Lord Richard Attenborough - at Aberlady Parish Church in East Lothian. PRESS ASSOCIATION Photo. Picture date: Saturday May 19, 2012. Photo credit should read: Andrew Milligan/PA Wire
Diamond Jubilee celebrations - Thames Pageant
Pippa and James Middleton on the river during the Diamond Jubilee Pageant on the River Thames in London.
Tennis - 2012 Wimbledon Championships - Day Four - The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club
Pippa and James Middleton take their seats in the royal box ahead of the game between Great Britain's Andy Murray in action against Croatia's Ivo Karlovic
The Championships - Wimbledon 2012: Day Four
LONDON, ENGLAND - JUNE 28: Pippa Middleton arrives to Centre Court to watch the Ladies' Singles second round match between Serena Williams of the USA and Melinda Czink of Hungry on day four of the Wimbledon Lawn Tennis Championships at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club on June 28, 2012 in London, England. (Photo by Clive Rose/Getty Images)
Pippa Middleton (L) sister of Britain's
Pippa Middleton (L) sister of Britain's Catherine Duchess of Cambridge, and her brother James, pose for pictures as they take part in the Diamond Jubilee Pageant on the River Thames in London, on June 3, 2012. Hundreds of rowing boats, barges and steamers filled the River Thames with a blaze of colour on Sunday as Queen Elizabeth II sailed through London as part of her spectacular diamond jubilee pageant. AFP PHOTO / PAUL ELLIS (Photo credit should read PAUL ELLIS/AFP/GettyImages)
The Royal Wedding
Prince William and his bride Kate, followed by best man Prince Harry and maid of honour Pippa Middleton, leave Westminster Abbey in London, following their wedding service.
The Royal Wedding
Prince William and his bride Kate, followed by best man Prince Harry and maid of honour Pippa Middleton, leave Westminster Abbey in London, following their wedding service.
The Royal Wedding
Pippa Middleton and Prince Harry appear on the balcony of Buckingham Palace, London, following the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton at Westminster Abbey.
Tennis - AEGON Championships 2011 - Day Four - The Queen's Club
Pippa Middleton watches during day four of the AEGON Championships at The Queen's Club, London.
Tennis - AEGON Championships 2011 - Day Four - The Queen's Club
Pippa Middleton smiles as it starts to rain during Andy Murray's match in the AEGON Championships at The Queen's Club, London.
Tennis - 2011 Wimbledon Championships - Day Nine - The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club
Pippa Middleton arrives with her mother Carole and Alex Loudon during day nine of the 2011 Wimbledon Championships at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club, Wimbledon.
Tennis - 2011 Wimbledon Championships - Day Nine - The All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club
Pippa Middleton and Alex Loudon (right) watch from Centre Court during day nine of the 2011 Wimbledon Championships at the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club, Wimbledon.
Celebrities attend Temperley - London Fashion Week
Pippa Middleton (centre), Peaches Geldof (2nd left) and Donna Air (left) pictured on the front row at Temperley London Spring/Summer 2012 held at the British Museum as part of London Fashion week.
Celebrities attend Temperley - London Fashion Week
Rosario Dawson (left) and Pippa Middleton on the front row at Temperley catwalk London Spring/Summer 2012 held at the British Museum as part of London Fashion week.
Kate and Pippa Middleton Sighting - London
Kate (right) and Pippa Middleton spotted leaving Kings Road club Raffles, in west London.
Pippa Middleton sighting - London
Pippa Middleton shopping on The Kings Road in Fulham, London
Tennis - Barclays ATP World Tennis Tour Finals - Day Eight - O2 Arena
Pippa Middleton watches the match between Switzerland's Roger Federer and France's Jo Wilfred-Tsonga
So how does one get places with Pippa panache? Are we all just going about this employment thing the wrong way? Let’s have a look at why she got the job at Waitrose.
William Sitwell, Editor of Waitrose Kitchen magazine, said: “Pippa will be an excellent contributor to the magazine, bringing with her a wealth of experience of entertaining, gained in part from working at her family’s party business.”
Er, hang on, if a “wealth of experience” is the ticket, wouldn’t they have been better sticking with Delia’s 50 years in the business?
Sitwell continues: “Readers will love her relaxed and easy entertaining ideas which will help with the preparation for all sorts of occasions.”
Dude, hate to be the one to break this to you, but readers are united in their stance of, in fact, NOT loving Pippa’s easy entertaining ideas. That’s why her book ended up in the half price bin at Christmas.
Hmmm, so Sitwell’s comments aren’t incredibly helpful. Shall we have a look at Pippa’s? She says the column is “an exciting opportunity to share my own passion and enthusiasm for food and entertaining and I can’t wait to get started”.
Right, so it’s all about being upbeat, enthusiastic, go-getting and ready to roll. Being the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister probably helps but I think that position’s already taken. Typical, eh?
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I love Delia and I'm sure Pippa's delightful, but cooking? She is part of the younger generation - her age group the same as my grandchildren's, who do love cooking and do a lot of it, though I suspect their experience wouldn't give them enough knowledge to write a cook book. Pippa is young and being exploited by the business world. Love her, but I absolutely hate your article. It is just so bitchy and I'm quite overfed on sourpusses* at the moment I just want to puke! I kick myself every time I fall for your titles and click to your horrid comments on pretty well everything. . . will I never learn?
*Definitely 'pusses': that's the plural that goes with sourpuss.
dandsbell: I love Delia and I'm sure Pippa's delightful, but cooking?
Fair enough Delia was well past her sell by and her 'recipes' had become just jar openers but Pippa Middleton...?! I can't imagine her food knowledge or entertaining experience has been anything more than something from M&S you just pop in the Aga...at least the mags free tho...
gabgrum: Fair enough Delia was well past her sell by and
Sorry cannot get excited about this, Waitrose. Why not go the whole hog, get rid of Heston and get Russell Brand to write a column? Laughing all the way to the Co-op!!!!!
Goldtop64: Sorry cannot get excited about this, Waitrose. Why not go
Does it surprise anyone her mother is a money grabber and social climber these are the worst type of people who are on the gravy train.
They come from nothing and think they are something No Talent No Breeding and NO SCRUPLES.
I ho[e they fade into annonimity
bowieger: Does it surprise anyone her mother is a money grabber
Bet she has never Cried over an Onion - Grated a Gratin - or Prepared a Pasta, washed dishes ...... ....hmmm, don't think so! Pippa really gives me the 'Pip' - Delia's Delights beat any Pippa Pipsqueaks hands down! Come back Delia, we all want you - even though you don't need the money, Honey!! Heston is a bit too wierd for me... all that bubbly froth stuff! Pippa will probably go down like a raw oyster - one gulp and it makes you gag!
Marelibro: Bet she has never Cried over an Onion - Grated
i dont blame pippa for riding her sisters coat-tails lets face it most of us would do the same thing, but really an iconic street name like waitrose lowering its standards so low i am very bemused, bad move waitrose personally i think your gonna regret this big time.
mufc3arsenal1: i dont blame pippa for riding her sisters coat-tails lets
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Good luck to her though.
*Definitely 'pusses': that's the plural that goes with sourpuss.
They come from nothing and think they are something No Talent No Breeding and NO SCRUPLES.
I ho[e they fade into annonimity