Heaven And Hell: Cruisewear

From Noah to Jonah to Jesus walking on water, the Holy Bible is full to the brim of watery parables. Following in this noble nautical tradition, there are few things your Fashion Priest enjoys more than swapping my red velvet Louboutin slippers for an ecclesiastical espadrille and taking a spiritual sabbatical on a sun lounger or the deck of a superyacht. It delights me to note, therefore, that this Spring/Summer’s standout trend is cruisewear.

heaven and hell cruisewear

Channel your inner seafarer in loafers, chic white shirts, statement horizontal stripes, anchor motifs and embellished swimsuits. Only for lounging, of course, not for actual swimming. A true cruiser never gets wet or touches sand, sayeth the Style Lord. So who is plain sailing sartorially and who’s stranded up couture creek without a paddle?

Loading Slideshow

Heaven
Earning her stripes Fern Britton. Fearne Cotton. Dot Cotton. Your Fashion Priest can’t be the only one who gets these three style icons confused. One of them is looking heavenly here in bold stripes and espadrilles. I think it’s Dot.
Hell
Frumpy Hippy Sienna Miller normally looks fabulous, even when heavily with child, but here she’s gone all shapeless with a hillbilly straw hat. Farmer wants a wife and here she is, moy lover.
Heaven
Giant Dress Shirt This elegant oversized shirt dress from Akris’ Paris SS13 show is a chic alternative to the sarong when worn over a swimsuit. I could probably get away with it for a midweek Communion service too, n’est-ce pas? Naturellement!
Hell
The Mumu A rare mis-step from Blake Lively, who seems to be wearing one of Mama Cass’ old frocks or Demis Roussos’ kaftan. Frumpy widow at a funeral anyone?
Heaven
Swimwear Bling J’adore the baroque detail on this swimsuit at Chanel’s 2012/13 cruise collection. The giant straw hat also has something of the Jesuit priest about it. I approve. Amen.
Hell
Aaaaargh me hearties Also from the Chanel 2012/13 cruise collection, this is more pirate ship than yacht chic. Team with a parrot on the shoulder and a peg leg, then walk the fash plank.
Heaven
Mesh not meh Netting is the new linen, as evidenced by this summer dress at Christian Dior. It also doubles as a string bag for carrying onions, which is handy for the bad-breathed French. It’s enough to bring tears to the eyes.
Hell
Nightlife Loafers Made In Chelsea’s chinless sloaney pony Spencer Matthews commits the all-too-frequent West London fashion crime of sporting casual loafers on a night out. Like, totes atrosh. Major mare, yah?
Heaven
City Nautical Hello sailor! Maritime stripes make for chic streetwear at Dior Homme, teamed with red shirt and navy slacks. Think Jean Paul Gaultier scrabbling up a poop deck. Mmm, salty.
Hell
Comfort Dressing Your Fashion Priest is usually a fan of Made In Chelsea starlet Rosie Fortescue but this half-hearted rock chick look in Miami isn’t up to her usual high standard. Less Miami nice, more Miami nasty.
Heaven
Neon Chic An adorable neon salmon suit at Akris. Love this colour for spring. Serve with a wedge of lemon, freshly milled black pepper and a garnish of dill. More tea vicar? I’d prefer a crisp Chablis, thank you.
Hell
Kaftan Kalamity Patti Stanger drops a klanger. She looks so 1995 in this ghastly sheer black kaftan, while the stilettos prove she’s going nowhere near a boat or beach. I’d ignore her out of disgust if she was wearing this. Never talk to strangers.
Heaven
Lighthouse Keeper Old Man & The Sea style at Michael Kors. Captain Birdseye called and says he wants his look back. He’ll swap it for 24 fish fingers and Roger The Cabin Boy.
Hell
Not for Public View Would you Adam and Eve it? Adam Sandler resembles a redneck fratboy on spring break. Your Fashion Priest does not approve of slobbing-out-on-the-sofa gear being allowed out of the house or anywhere near a boat. Style sacrilege, Mr Sandler.
Heaven
Lounge Sunwear Rocha’s SS13 show saw high-waisted, retro-shaped bikinis in luxury patterns. Think 50s pin-up lying on a sun lounger while Alfred Hitchcock pervs on her from a nearby director’s chair.
Hell
White Loafers David Walliams commits fashiony blasphemy in cut-off denims and white loafers. I appreciate the crucifix but it’s too little, too late. Britain’s Got Talent but it hasn’t got style.
Heaven
Vintage Chic According to the Gospel of Saint Marc Jacobs, vintage swimsuits and co-ordinating headscarves are hot, hot, hot for summer 2013. Perfect for lounging but never actually swimming. The unholy water plays havoc with one’s hair and make-up.
Hell
The Try-Hard Nautical but not nice. Ferry godmother Kelly Brook sails straight past cruise chic and straight into Halloween fancy dress territory. A Titanic lapse of taste.
Heaven
Shades Of Red Bold coloured sailor stripes made waves at Michael Kors. Scarlet-lensed sunglasses will mean the in-crowd sees red during festival season. Rose-tinted spectacles ahoy.
Hell
Hobo Beachwear Jersey Shore’s Jenni Farley fails to JWoww in this scruffy ensemble. She should be allowed nowhere near a riva until she’s stopped channeling Waynetta Slob. Vile.
Heaven
Boat Race Chanel’s S/S 13 runway show went big on yacht wear, including this adorbz oversized nautical two-piece, teamed with a spectacular translucent blue hat. I shall be working this look at this season’s garden parties and fundraising fetes. Fierce.
Hell
Cruise Carnage Unfortunately, we'll always have Paris. Intellectually-challenged heiress Ms Hilton, star of one of your Fashion Priest's least favourite sex tapes, commits further sins in a tacky white swimsuit with criss-cross straps, Elvis shades (good taste has left the building) and metallic headband. Nice of her mum to sew her name into her pants, though.

Comments
0
Pending Comments
0
View FAQ

Post Comment Preview Comment

To reply to a Comment: Click "Reply" at the bottom of the comment; after being approved your comment will appear directly underneath the comment you replied to.