Saints And Sinners: Oscars Red Carpet

Morning Prayer - while sipping on my brunch flirtini, I grew concerned that there are some serious red carpet pitfalls opening up for our favourite leading ladies. These thoughts could give me frown lines. Not OK. The 70th Globes had winners (aka the fishtail posse), and losers (Heidi. Again) so it is my divine duty to give the celebrity stylists a little pep talk for the long weeks ahead. Petra Flannery, Elizabeth Stewart, Tara Swennen (loving your work on Kristen Stewart, by the way) hear my prayer. This could save the carpet, and your jobs. Samantha McMillan didn’t and just look at Johnny Depp.

To deliver my stylist intervention, I believe the only way is to have an Oscar red carpet throwback. This year I am crusading a sharper catwalk influence - cut out crops, fantasy frocks and couture grunge. I am also praying for a next generation Bjork Swan.

Join me in Christian Louboutin prayer.

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Cher, 1986
Cher perhaps took this a touch too far, but she surely lead the way to chic crop dresses that from Cavalli to Carven are totes on trend this year. I am also predicting headpieces galore on the carpet. So it is written.
Angelina Jolie, 2012
This is the terrifying side of size 0. All nominees who must run around in the shower to get wet must be very careful with their poses. Inner thigh first is a no-no. You have been warned.
Geena Davis, 1992
With the opaque tights and pre French Revolution booties this is a no, but with bare legs, statement heels and sleek catwalk hair?... Elbow gloves are also so hot right now.
Gwyneth Paltrow, 2002
Saints preserve us. Grunge is totes on point this year, but we’re dropping the moody teenager vibe this time around. Gwinnie presents all the worst of the trend here – Robin Hood string detail, no bra and ruffle hippie dress. This red carpet season I want vamp, bourgeoise inspired Gucci or Givenchy goth or nothing at all!
Penelope Cruz, 2007
Praise the Lord! Now THIS is how to wear nude. Trust Penelope to show us how it’s done. Many girls are going for nude, but you must NEVER lose your ‘BAM’ factor on the red carpet.
Viola Davis, 2012
Green is in, fishtail is in, but thou must not look like an extra in Disney’s <em>My Little Mermaid</em> the Musical (ok, that musical would actually be totes amaze).
Drew Barrymore, 1998
Oh happy day. Young Drew could teach all the tots a thing or two. I have already seen some teens dressed like haggard chorus girls on the red carpet this year, which is clearly an old stylist taking revenge on their lost youth. If you’re under 18 we are expecting fun and fresh. Giant daisy optional, natch.
Demi Moore, 1989
Alrighty then. When you go to the gym twice daily a la Demi Moore, definitely flaunt it. However, this does not mean donning spanx… with nothing on top. Think chic over cycling shorts.
Bjork, 2001
Praise be! Everything about this is wrong, and yet, Bjork is in our hearts forever as the Scandi rocker who fought the holy red carpet rules and won. Why a swan? Why not. My fashion epiphany is that there will be a new animal on the carpet this year…
Hilary Swank, 2003
Did it look good the first time round? No! So why is the short dress and gauze wrap combo making a come back this year?! Yes, I’m talking to you Rachel Weisz.
Elizabeth Taylor, 2007
This year, if you’re going for old Hollywood glam, learn to do it right from Lady Liz. Match your frock to your eyes, flaunt a Botticelli figure when applicable and be dripping in diamonds. That is how it’s done. Amen.
Uma Thurman, 2004
So I am aware that perhaps one can be inspired by a holiday abroad to take on local traditions. Swedish hair braid, yes. Entire ‘Helga the Swedish Milkmaid’ stripper costume, I think not. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Georgina Chapman, 2010
Georgina is a touch Christmas Tree here, but I am all about disco inspired come backs this year. I am hoping for perms and curtains of sparkle. Let us pray.
Jennifer Connelly, 2002
This is where ‘nude’ goes to die. Connelly won the best actress award looking like a wet rag. I tried to nourish her look back to health back stage with a De la Renta choker, but it was too late.
Kim Basinger, 1998
There are a plethora of fairytale movies coming out this year and we all know that silver screen and fashion go hand in hand. Victor & Rolf fantasy chic for this spring would be divine inspiration for all you celeb stylists. Kim here sadly got her inspiration from a meringue.
Celine Dion, 1992
Merciful heavens. This is what happens when you dress in the dark. The femme fatale androdge is highly recommended, with Celine, Dior and RL catwalks teaming with stunning leisure suits for spring. But ladies, think tailored couture, less, well this.
Michelle Williams, 2006
Black is always a safe bet, but I have the rosary beads out for some colour on the carpet. Take this fabulous Vera Wang on Williams for example. A burnt sun yellow matched with red carpet lippy is all you need. I want to see a rainbow on the red carpet people!
Charlize Theron, 2006
My God, here is where you must simply use your eyes. Yes it’s black, yes it’s Christian Dior Couture, but looking like a robotic gift-wrap is never good. I believe this to be the year that celebs must fight back against their stylists. Let us hope that Lena Dunham’s Golden Globe frock fail is the last casualty this year.

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